WTF

I find that there are many WTF moments in my 19 years here.. or is it 20?
Like when i blew my nose and blood splattered out, i just had to say WTF.
Or when i was playing the controversial Modern Warfare 2, and online, i met a bunch of high level hackers, i just had to say WTF.
Or when i realized that there is SO much more chemo to go, i just had to say it… WTF.
Or when the doctor said that wed i have to be admitted for my next chemo.. WTF
When i am alone i say it out loud.. WA DA FARK.
When i am with people, like my doctor, there is this voice in my head that goes WHAT…….. THE……… FUCK. But the words that come  out of my mouth are “Yep, ok, sure” But inside, i am WTF.

Cant take it anymore.
Dont want any more chemo.
I want it to stop.
Maybe i want quality of life over quantity.
Shit man i rather die, or would i?
Too much chemo, maybe i will ask the doctor, what would happen if i stopped my chemo now?
Cant take it no more man.

Just want to be normal.
Please make this nightmare end.
Some times, i forget i am a soldier, until i look at my 11b, with the picture of me there, with hair, nice nice hair. Or until i see a BMT bastard at SGH at the H Clinic, probably seeing the ortho doctor about some arm or leg injury, just like me, just like me a few months ago.
At the H clinic, the TV is stilling playing the same program as it was in April, the same nurses work there as they did in april.
I sit there just like in april, except that im dying on the inside.

Well. on another note, Happy Belated Birthday Ronald, that makes u 19 right? or 20? Ah man, its another year. I remember 2 years ago we were watching beowulf, and 1 year ago we were doing A levels. MAN, time does fly doesnt it bro? See you soon eh? Have a nice one.
-General Sam

The brink

Hey.
So here i am. Killed it. Killed pneumonia. Did not set foot into the ICU. Thought it was the most freaking scary time of my life. I mean, if you breathed and you could feel and hear the water/ secretions gurgling in your lungs, you would be pretty damn scared too. I was on oxygen 24/7 in hospital.

Went for a scope. Meaning they inserted a camera into my lungs to see exactly what was happening and to retrieve some of the water so they would analyze it to see what precise infection it was so they could decide on the proper antibiotics. But i cant really tell you how it felt, because they gave me some powerful anesthesia, so i was out cold during the entire thing, i only remember the doctor asking me to bite down on to something and then i am back in my room.

I thank all the doctors, nurses and my family for helping pull me back from the brink of death. I still have a persistent cough which the doctor said would last some time because the area of infection in my lung was SIGNIFICANT.

Oh i looked at my chemo schedule, and i am only like 1/20 done. WTF. I remember telling zhuang that by the time he earned his diamonds i would be cured. LOL. Depressing. Dont know if i can go through all that TOURTURE. FUCK.

On another note. The launch of Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is a huge success, and according to the news, would overtake the latest blockbusters in revenue. Well, expected since fucking Infinity Ward decided to fuck us PC gamers in the ass by jacking up the price and removing dedicated servers. Way to go IW! We get this after supporting you for so long. But the game itself would show in a new era in which games would be seen as a form of main stream entertainment along side box office films.
Well IW, at first we were all shouting Treyarch suck balls, but now i have to say Infinity Ward sucks donkey *****. Pls, put in the damn dedicated servers and this game would be the best ever, but until then the online petition would keep growing in your face.
-General Sam

General Sam offers his apologies for not updating. But he was rushed back to hospital when he developed a severe sore throat and multiple mouth sores. It was so bad that he could not eat and it was so painful that he was put on morphine just so he could swallow his own saliva.

Later an x-Ray showed that the general had developed a bad case of pneumonia. The bacteria infection had infected almost a third of th general's right lung and part of his left. Everytime he breathes he can feel the water gurgling in his lungs, ready to take over. Pneunomia is life threatening and fatal, the general is current fighting for his life, is on the danger ill list and has every single antibiotic known to man injected into him.

General Sam KNOWS he will update everyone soonest when he is discharged when he kills pneumonia.
-General Sam

I just came back from the A and E. Feels good to be home. Went there cos i had a bit of sore throat and running nose and sneeze.
I think i got it from zhuang. Cos the sore throat started the day after i saw him.
The doctor at the A and E, poked me fucking , sorry i have to use the f word, but she FUCKING poked me 3 times, trying to set and IV needle, and told me that i will have to be admitted. I know you doctor, i saw your name on the computer screen, i know your name, i know who you are, i will come for you. I was damn pissed that they wanted to admit me. But later after consulting her senior doctor,  she said no need –.- and took out the needle which she took so long to put in.
But seriously, while she was consulting the senior doctor, i was determined to tell her that i wanted to go home, no matter what, i had the right as a patient.
Luckily that was not the case, but if i had to be admitted, i swear i would find zhaung and smack him upside the head :P
Anyway, im thinking of learning driving. I love the interior of a car at night. The air con, the muffled outside sounds, the darkness, with the little dashboard lights. AMAZING.
(decided to leave the sad and down and emo part of this post out, because i feel happy after watching some stupid facebook videos)
-General Sam

Tremors

Just got one powerful earthquake.
Shook my balls man.
So i jumped up from my computer, spent what seemed an eternity finding my keys, jumped into my clothes, grabbed my cap, patted my cat on her head and said: “ fuck, i zhao liao, bye bye”
Then i dashed out of the house with speed never seen before since i fell sick and took the lift down. lol.
I tell you, if it never shake that badly, i would have continued playing.
Man, i took like 5 minutes to find my keys, and mid-way when i though it was over, the whole place started shaking again, this time with a vengeance, even stronger than before. I really thought of hiding under my table if i couldnt find my keys.
Well, that means, some where in asia, there was a mega huge earthquake man. Pray for the victims there.
-General Sam

Warning! Low Hb!

I think my Hemoglobin level has dropped to below 7. I feel so damn tired. I just feel like sleeping.
Too tired to open my eyes.
It is now that i am aware of my mortality.
-General Sam

I remember this time last year.
The F1.
I was fine.
And i had my iphone.
It was the first time i dropped it. I put it on the ledge on the table, and it dropped. It bounced on the floor. I saw the huge silicon cover it had on flex and curve in slow motion.
And then for 15 minutes i was bitching to sam that my iphone dropped and the button on top had came loose. Later (to my relief), i realize that it was the protective casing that had come loose and was not aligned over the button, which had caused me to believe the button had come loose.
Oh well.
The good times. 
-General Sam